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  • Fidel Castro is a Jesuit Spy! [sic] July 26, 2011

    Author: Beach Combing | in : Contemporary, Modern , trackback

    Beachcombing often speaks of his rusty filing cabinets in which the treasures of a couple of decades of bizarre research have been placed. However, there are also regrets. Sometimes  Beach realizes that he has missed out on two decades harvesting through lack of foresight. An example of this that causes him particular pain is what might be termed ‘curious conspiracies’: a tag on the make. Of course, most conspiracy theories are, almost by definition, curious. But some, it is fair to say, are more curious than others. Think of David Icke’s reptoids –  humanoid lizards – in their battle for world domination. The arguments that the British royal family secretly controls all geo-politics and the drug trade. Or, a real peach, the notion that the ‘Dark Ages’ never happened but that they have been inserted into our history as part of a western plot to deprive the Russians of their past.

    But this list is open ended. And every so often a new conspiracy theory buzzes in, flies about and makes itself heard with the insistence of a bluebottle. One particularly thrilling example arrived yesterday: the ‘Godfather’ version of history. To keep the general outlines of the theory mercifully brief it is not Queen Elizabeth II or even the green lizards that dominate the world but the Catholic Church and particularly their storm troopers the Jesuits. In fact, a crack commando unit of evangelical Protestants (if you have a problem, if no one else can help…) who are also dab hands at bad comic drawing are all that stand between us and the Pope’s fist of iron.

    Our narrator (1982) is one Dr Rivera who once trained to become a Jesuit and there learnt the Vatican’s dirtiest secrets. As always with a lunatic theory you begin with something that is at least half true: namely that the Church mistreated the Jews. Cue cartoons of the inquisition and the crusades with requisite gore. This is, to its credit, one of the few world-domination conspiracy theories that is not in whole or in part anti-Semitic.

    From here Dr Rivera moves from half truths to quarter truths. An event called the Children’s Crusade (another post, another day) may have happened in the thirteenth century: and if it happened (a big if) then it may have ended in disaster in the slave markets of northern Africa. However, there is no evidence that the children were Jewish or half Jewish.

    But now we are ready to move from quarter truths to simple delirium: ‘have the Jesuits been busy in the twentieth century? What you are about to read will blow you out of your socks’.

    It seems that Marx and Engels (in the nineteenth century) were coached by the Jesuits: English economics, German philosophy, French politics and Vatican ghostwriting…

    The Vatican pushed Germany into the First World War: whereas, in fact, all the evidence is that the Vatican did its level best to prevent the war.

    Jesuits trained up Lenin, Trotsky (!!) and Stalin and smuggled 666, 000, 000  (US dollars naturally) into Russia to bankroll the revolution.

    Jesuits disguised as Communists were at the Soviet that decided to murder the Russian royal family.

    However, once the Communists betrayed the Vatican – one of the winsome things about this particularly conspiracy theory is that not everything goes according to plan – the Vatican nurtured Fascism and Nazism and, latterly, Franco. No mention is made of their many disagreements with the Vatican or Hitler’s paganism.

    Naturally the Holocaust was all the work of the Vatican: undercover Jesuits were sent into the German Protestant churches to stir up hatred there. Though cunningly the Pope hid a thousand Jews in the Vatican just in case Hitler were to lose the war! Beach never knew Pius XII was so crafty.

    And so it goes on…

    Vatican II ‘almost destroyed’ Protestantism in Europe and the US ‘by winning everyone over through love and kisses’. All that guitar playing in church.

    Fidel Castro is ‘a well-trained Jesuit under oath’. His brother too? Tell us it’s not so Raoul!

    And perhaps best of all:

    ‘Dr Rivera explained that when he was under the extreme oath of the Jesuits, he was told that a secret sign was to be given to the Jesuits world-wide when the ecumenical movement had successfully wiped out Protestantism, in preparation of the signing of a concordat between the Vatican and the US. The sign was to be when a President of the US took his oath of office facing an obelisk. For the first time in US history, the swearing in ceremonies were moved to the West front of the Capitol and President Reagan faced the Washington Monument. This happened January 20, 1891. Was the President aware of this? We don’t know’.

    Was the Great Communicator a Jesuit plant as well?

    Read it for yourselves: the truth shall set you free.

    Any other curious conspiracy theories of world domination? drbeachcombing AT yahoo DOT com Remember aesthetics over history.

    Reading this through with an ashen faced Mrs B (an uber pious Catholic), just noticed that the Vatican was also responsible for offing Abraham Lincoln.


    26 July 2011: Phil P writes in, ‘I am always amused when someone shows me a new Jack Chick comic. These are quite well known in the U.S.A. as the work of an extreme fringe Fundamentalist Christian sect.  Here is a link to one of the most amusing one: Dungeons and Dragons.’ Phil also sends in this excellent page of conspiracies with, inter alia, the following fabulous quotation: ‘You should view the world as a conspiracy run by a very closely-knit group of nearly omnipotent people, and you should think of those people as yourself and your friends’. No one can say that we weren’t warned. Thanks Phil!

    27 July 2011: Also Beach should have seen this coming: there was a genealogy to this particularly conspiracy. It seems that the Jesuits really were behind Lincoln’s death! Thanks to James Dean for sending the link in!